Experiencing shame is part of being human. But we don’t need to stay in shame. Learn to recognize it, heal from it, and walk in freedom. This is part 10 in a series on shame.
If we are human, shame is a part of our life.
It’s something we don’t want to experience, but we do.
We try to avoid it, but like a boomerang it finds us.
We can feel shame when we don’t live up to our own expectations.
The expectations of others.
When others don’t perceive us the way we want to be perceived.
We can be shamed by words. Actions. And by things done and not done to us.
So how do we overcome shame?
How do we kick it to the curb for the trash truck to haul away?
What is shame?
To overcome shame, we need to first be able to recognize it.
Shame attacks our identity. Who we are (not what we do). It is a self-awareness that something is wrong with us and it is our fault. It tells us that if people knew the truth about us they would not want to be our friend.
Shame makes us feel isolated and unworthy. It tells us we are inadequate. Not good enough.
Shame often occurs due to an event or because of the words or actions of someone else towards us. We misinterpret the event as something is wrong with us, and then feel shame.
Our art teacher makes negative comments about our picture in front of the class and we interpret her words as saying something is wrong with us (not our art work). We hear that we are not like the other kids who can draw. And it is all our fault.
Shame wants us to hide our shameful parts. To be someone else because we are flawed and un-loveable.
So many things can shame us.
Next, we need to know what shames us.
1. Our past can cause us shame. Lack of education. Meager childhood. Abuse. Bullied. Parents divorced. Absent mother. Abortion. Poor mistakes and life choices. Sins.
2. Our personality and who we are can shame us. Being to sensitive. To emotional. To tall. An introvert. To loud. A daydreamer. Outspoken.
3. Our lack and limitations can shame us. Lack of money. Health problems. No kids. Dyslexia. Labels and diagnosis. Mental capacity. Addictions.
4. Our spiritual life can shame us. Lacking in spiritual maturity. Not giving enough. God not talking to us or leading us. Inconsistent with prayer. We don’t fit the Christian mold.
5. Our society can shame us. Mother shame. Body shame. Not fitting in. Being left out. Not being able to do it all. Needing help. Lack of acceptance.
6. Having more than others can shame us. Having a job. Opportunities. Kids. A nice house. Being white. Having privilege.
So many things can cause us shame, but what shames one person, may not shame another. We all have different trigger points that cause us shame.
What shame tells us.
Thirdly, we need to identify what shame is telling us.
The lies it grows within our soul. The lies we believe and carry around for years.
“You are not good enough.”
“You don’t deserve more.”
“You don’t have a seat here.”
“Something is wrong with you and it is your fault.”
“You are the problem.”
“You deserved to be treated that way.”
“Why do you even try?”
“You’re worthless.”
“The truth will send everyone running from you.”
It tells us there is no cure. We just need to try harder. Hide more. Be something different. Wear masks. Keeps secrets.
It has no grace or love. It doesn’t allow us to grow or change or overcome our past shame. It tears us down. It doesn’t present a solution. And it is a master liar.
Shame versus reality.
Shame and God are opposites.
Shame sees us with condemning eyes, God sees us through unconditional love eyes.
Shame reminds us of our past, faults, and limitations. God tells us we are precious, loved, and he has washed us clean. He sees our potential and good and has no doubt we can do what we need to. He gives us his spirit to help empower our lack.
Shame judges us and we come up lacking. God judges us and we come up enough, clothed in his son’s robes.
To heal from shame, to flight shame’s lies, to overcome shame, the best thing to do is know who God is. How he sees you. What his plan is for you. His attributes. His love and care for you.
To know your worth and whose you are.
You fight shame’s lies with God’s truth.
Shame attacks our God given identity with its lies. While God’s truth releases us from lies and gives us a new identity.
Shame wants us to hide ourselves. God wants us to be ourselves.
Shame traps us. God frees us, releases us.
Shame wants us to give up. God wants us to press forward and use his power.
Shame says there is no cure and it’s our fault. God says he has the cure and is the cure.
Shame says we are un-loveable. God says he loves us no matter what and will never stop.
Shame wants our identity to come from our mistakes, our past, our sins, and limitations. From things we did and didn’t do.
God wants our identity to come from who he says we are. He wants us to know we are beloved, and he delights in us. He pardons our sins and does not condemn us in any way, but clothes us in white robes. God focuses on our future, not our past, and always tells us the truth.
How to deal with and overcome shame.
1. Admit to feeling shame, being shamed. Shame is like a secret that grows with our silence. Once we say it, release the secret, the power shame has over us weakens. Speaking about it to safe people helps heal us. It creates connection and community with others. Others often step forward saying, “me too!”
2. Fight the lies of shame with the truth of God. Write down and identify the lies that shame tells you. Now write down the truth, what God (or your best friend) would tell you. Cross out the lies. Now hang up the truth. Remind yourself of it daily.
3. Talk to God about your shame and the lies you believe because of shame. Ask him to heal you. To see yourself through his eyes. To see him as he is. Our faults, sins, and shame do not deter him, in fact they endear us to him.
4. Look up more than inward. Shame is self-focused. It focuses our eyes on us and what is wrong with us.
5. Shame is being human. Realize we are all driven by shame. Feel shame. Try and avoid shame. It is part of being human. God knows this and gave his son as the cure.
6. Empathy stamps out shame. Give yourself empathy. Give others empathy.
7. Allow yourself to be human. To make mistakes. To crash and burn. To make bad judgement calls. To upset people. This is part of being human. Give yourself many tries to get something right. (It’s called a learning curve for a reason.)
8. Stop comparing yourself with others. It often creates shame. Seek to please God, not others.
9. Give yourself grace. And then more grace. God does.
10. Know yourself (and love yourself) and have realistic expectations. God made you the way you are for a reason. He doesn’t expect you to be anyone but who he made you to be. Delight in who he made you to be. He does.
When we study God and who he really is, who he says we really are, and why he says he made us and cares for–and come to really understand this—we will hear God’s voice and it will drown out our shame. It will replace our self-limiting beliefs and identity lies with his truth.
Check out this resource that covers everything you need to know about shame, including frequently asked questions.
Or take the Shame Quiz and begin to identify how shame is distorting your identity and worth. Once we know the lies that shame is wanting us to believe, we can more easily crush them with the truth.
Thanks for stopping by. Keep remembering what’s important.
Theresa
Download a free guided exercise to help you heal from shame
Download a free PDF freebie, “What to Do When You Are Feeling Shame: A Guided Exercise.” It will walk you through some practical exercises to deal with shame. Ending with how to avoid feeling shame in the future. My passion is to see you living shame-free; in glorious freedom. “What to Do When You Are Feeling Shame: A Guided Exercise” can help you step towards that freedom by breaking the lies of shame you believe and replacing those lies with the truth.
From Shame to Grace: How to Erase Shame From our Identities, a 12 part series. — Other posts in this series on shame include:
We Are Not Meant to Live in Shame
There is No Shame in Feeling Shame
How the Lies of Shame Cause Us to Think We Are the Defective Ones
Environments Where Shame Thrives
The Symptoms of Shame and the 4 Ways It Makes You Feel
12 Ways That Misinterpreting Events Causes Shame
Shame versus Guilt: What’s the Big Difference?
Combat Shame by Knowing Your True Identity
Why We Use Shame on Others and Ourselves: 6 Eye Opening Reasons
Shame: Recognize It, Heal From It, Walk in Freedom
What If Shame Has a Bigger Purpose Than Us?
Spiritual Shame: What Is It and How to Conquer It
May link up at Kelly Balarie (#purposeful faith), Crystal Storms (#HeartEncouragement), Maree Dee (#Grace & Truth), Anita Ojeda (#inspirememonday), InstaEncouagements ((IE Link-Up), and Mary Geison (#tellhisstory).
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Maybe I missed it, but have you thought of writing a book, Theresa? You pack so much truth into each post you write …
And the need is so great.
Just thinking outloud, friend …
It has flited across my mind, Linda. Who knew when I sat down to write one post on shame, that it would turn into a series. I have learned so much about shame as I have explored this topic. The more I learn, the more I see that this is a problem we all struggle with.
Theresa, your posts on shame are wonderful! So encouraging and well-written. You are so right – shame is a liar. And it causes us to lie – both TO ourselves and ABOUT ourselves. It tells us we are not good enough in some way. I have never thought about God and shame as being opposites before, but of course, you are right. God loves us always and unconditionally. He tells us we are good enough. He gives us truth when shame gives us lies.
If only each one of us could give ourselves God’s good grace, the world would be a much better place.
Laurie, So true. The lies we tell “both to ourselves and about ourselves,” are constantly tripping us up. Wouldn’t that be wonderful? Us all giving ourselves a dose of God’s grace.
I love so much about this post. Especially this: To heal from shame, to flight shame’s lies, to overcome shame, the best thing to do is know who God is.
I know I’ve also mentioned before that I hope you put this series in a book. I can tell you that your series has healed me from decades of shame I’ve been carrying. I believe God gave you this series as a gift to heal others.
Valerie, praise God for your healing. He really wants us free from shame. It allows us to love others and ourselves well, and accept love from God and others. We can be ourselves and not pretend to be someone we are not. Oh, the benefits are many. Keep walking in freedom.
Theresa, this is a wonderful piece. The part about a teacher is so true. I remember being yelled at “scatter brain, scatter brain, scatter brain”, all the way back to my desk after asking my second or third grade teacher which word to use, “Is it some or sum?” I just forgot what she told me the first time. I’ve recovered, but that event affected how I interacted in the classroom all the way through school. I sure wasn’t asking the teachers any questions. 🙂
Suzettte, so sorry that happened to you. No one should be treated that way. You were just a little girl asking a question of a teacher who had the answer. Something like that happens to us and it changes the way we interact or behave for years and years. Shame can cause parts of us to shut down and not do things that are perfectly normal. You were not at fault, the teacher was. There are so many stories out there like this. May we look at them with fresh eyes and see that we no longer have to believe the lies that shame is telling us. Nor act like we have to hide these parts of us. Blessings for sharing.
Such wisdom, my friend! I’ve often thought the word ‘shame’ would easily replace Matthew West’s song ‘Fear is a Liar.’ Both of the feelings exist, but letting them rule our inner dialogue leads to unhappiness. Thank you for sharing practical tips for dealing with the lies!
Anita! I have thought that too about Mathew West’s song. Both shame and fear are liars. That’s the key, though, not letting them rule our inner dialogue. Not believing their lies and living as if the lies are truth.
I love your idea of writing down the shame-filled thoughts we have and then countering them with God’s truths, Theresa! That’s where real victory of shame can be found! Thanks for continuing to unpack this very confusing topic with these practical, powerful and biblical truths! Pinning, my friend!
Hi Beth! I know if I want to replace a bad habit, I have to start a new good habit to take its place. And then do the new habit when I want to do the bad habit. I guess the same thing holds true for me. To replace a lie, I need to figure out the truth and tell myself the truth when the lie is wanting to assert itself. Its one way of directing and choosing my thoughts. Blessings my friend.
Theresa, it seems like shame is so good at attacking our thoughts and skewing our perceptions about ourselves. We may not be able to control where/when the shame attacks, but we can determine how we handle it. And your reminder that we need to choose to believe truth is so crucial. God has taught me so much through Phil 4:8 and where my thoughts should dwell . . . one thing that is always true is that God is trustworthy and He loves His kids. This has often been the place I had to start to combat shame.
Yes, what a good place to start, Jeanne. Remembering that God is trustworthy and loves his kids. Love your point. We can’t determine when shame attacks, but we can choose how to handle it. It is how we choose to deal with the shame we feel that determines whether it will rise up and keep us silent or if we will walk away and leave shame in the corner. Phil 4:8 is one of my favorite verses.
You have become quite the expert on shame. Until we know who we are in Christ, we allow more room for shame to get in.
Shame does attack our identities and I experienced that when I was younger. You provide so many practical steps to deal with and overcome shame. My goal is to work on my relationship with God because that is where my true identity lies.
Mary. Working on your relationship with God and knowing your identity in him is key. Blessings.