The lies of shame tell us we are the defective ones, but truth breaks the lies of shame we believe about our self. This is post 3 in a series on shame.
Lisa was going to surprise her mother by getting herself ready for church all by herself.
She picked out a dress. One she could button up herself. One with bright colors.
She then placed a few barrettes in her hair. Three different ones because her dress had so many different colors.
Six- year-old Lisa then pulled on her favorite pink socks and buckled her dress shoes.
She looked in the bathroom mirror and had to smile. She looked like a bouquet of bright flowers.
Excitedly she went downstairs. She wanted to show mom how big a girl she was. She had gotten ready all by herself and saved her momma time.
Her mother was dressing her baby brother.
Lisa presented herself a few feet from her mom. She could hardly wait to see her mother’s face and hear her surprise.
“I’m ready for church,” Lisa said.
Her mom stopped snapping the onesie and looked in Lisa’s direction.
Lisa twirled in place. Feeling like she was in a television commercial.
Then she noticed her mom’s face. Something was wrong.
“You trying to win the ugly contest?” her mom snapped. “You didn’t even comb your hair. And nothing matches.”
Lisa felt stung. Shattered.
“March upstairs and take that ridiculous outfit off. Go put on your brown dress. I’ll come help you in a minute.”
Shame can affect our decisions for years.
These words caused Lisa confusion. What was wrong with her outfit?
They caused Lisa shame. What was wrong with her?
Somehow, she had failed. Failed to surprise her mom or help her. Instead she had made more work for her mother.
Her mother’s words caused Lisa to think that maybe she was ugly. She began to believe that if she wore the right clothes and took care with her appearance, she would be less ugly.
And so, Lisa tried. Tried to dress in a way that was not ugly. Took care with her appearance. Tried to wear clothes that didn’t stand out too much. The last thing she wanted to do was “win the ugly contest.”
Thirty-five years later she realized she was still replaying her mother’s words in her mind. She was still trying not to let anyone see her “ugly” side.
Women and shame.
As women, we are prone to shame.
We feel we have to look a certain way. Act a certain way. Smell a certain way.
From an early age we are taught to be people pleasers. To not rock the boat. To not be assertive. To care what other’s think. To mold ourselves into what we are told by others and society to be.
We can feel shame for working. For not working. For having children. For not having children. For letting our hair go gray. For not letting our hair go grey. For breast feeding. For not breastfeeding. For making meals from scratch. For not making meals from scratch. For not working overtime enough at work. For not smelling fresh. Wearing the right lipstick. Or having the right eyebrows.
We care about what others think and try to mold ourselves into their good graces.
How many mothers think they are not good mothers and carry mother guilt?
How many women feel shame for not being able to do it all?
For being too big or weighing to much?
Yes, we as women are prone to shame and shame can be used by others (both consciously and unconsciously) to motivate us.
How many of us shame ourselves with our negative self-talk?
We make decisions based on avoiding feeling shame? From ourselves and others?
How many of us are still trying to prove our mothers, fathers, coaches, society, bosses, or someone wrong? Someone who shamed us in some manner. Like Lisa still trying to not wear the wrong thing?
We as women can be held hostage by shame.
Shame is often not our fault.
Let’s return to little Lisa.
She did nothing wrong.
There was nothing wrong with dressing herself in colorful clothes and using bright barrettes in her hair. In wanting to surprise or please her mother.
What caused her shame was Lisa internalizing the words her mother said. Seeing and believing herself the problem. Thinking that it was her fault her mother was upset.
The event itself did not cause Lisa’s long-term shame that would affect her core truth and fuel her fear of being ugly (or people finding out she was ugly). It was the lies she believed and took with her from the event.
Another kid may have shrugged the words off and felt hurt for a bit, but not felt lasting shame and doubt about her looks. Another kid may have thought, mom is sure in a bad mood and mean today.
Lisa did not. She heard her mom’s unkind words (words I think we can agree she should not have said). Instead of thinking something was wrong with her mom (bad day, bad mood), Lisa thought something was wrong with her. She believed the lie of shame. She was to defective to be beautiful.
If her mother had apologized, the lie probably would have been crushed.
But the silence about the event caused the shame to blossom. Lisa’s natural inclination when she felt the emotion of shame, was to hide. She didn’t want to talk about the event and the words thrown at her. She didn’t want to think about feeling unworthy and defective.
What if it was true?
If Lisa had been able to talk to a loved and trusted friend, like her grandmother, and shared the incident, the lie behind the shame would have dissipated. If her grandmother had reassured her that she was beautiful and loved just the way she was. That her mom was having a bad day and never should have said those words. Then the lie that Lisa was too defective to be beautiful would probably have died a natural and quick death.
But Lisa was only a little girl.
She did what came naturally.
She believed the lie of shame, that said she was defective, and spent years trying not to “win the ugly contest.”
We can walk in freedom and crush the lies of shame.
God wants us shame free.
And we can be.
The lies of shame want us to believe that we are defective, not enough, that something is wrong with us.
God wants us to believe that we are his treasure, loved beyond measure.
Truth crushes the lies of shame.
This week’s homework is to remember that we all experience shame. There is no shame in feeling shame. It is a normal human emotion. How we react to and process that shame is what gets us in trouble. And it is the lies of shame, that we believe from that event, that will reverberate within us until we smash those words with the truth.
Check out this resource that covers everything you need to know about shame, including frequently asked questions.
Or take the Shame Quiz and begin to identify how shame is distorting your identity and worth. Once we know the lies that shame is wanting us to believe, we can more easily crush them with the truth.
Thanks for stopping by. Keep remembering what’s important.
Theresa
Download a free guided exercise to help you heal from shame
Download a free PDF freebie, “What to Do When You Are Feeling Shame: A Guided Exercise.” It will walk you through some practical exercises to deal with shame. Ending with how to avoid feeling shame in the future. My passion is to see you living shame-free; in glorious freedom. “What to Do When You Are Feeling Shame: A Guided Exercise” can help you step towards that freedom by breaking the lies of shame you believe and replacing those lies with the truth.
From Shame to Grace: How to Erase Shame From our Identities, a 12-part series. — Other posts in this series on shame include:
We Are Not Meant to Live in Shame
There is No Shame in Feeling Shame
How the Lies of Shame Cause Us to Think We Are the Defective Ones
Environments Where Shame Thrives
The Symptoms of Shame and the 4 Ways It Makes Us Feel
12 Ways That Misinterpreting Events Causes Shame
Shame Versus Guilt: What’s the Big Difference?
Combat Shame by Knowing Your True Identity
Why We Use Shame on Others and Ourselves: 6 Eye Opening Reasons
Shame: Recognize It, Heal From It, Walk in Freedom
What If Shame Has a Bigger Purpose Than Us?
Spiritual Shame: What It Is and How to Conquer It
May link up at Kelly Balarie (#purposeful faith), Crystal Storms (#HeartEncouragement), Maree Dee (#Grace & Truth), Anita Ojeda (#inspirememonday), InstaEncouagements ((IE Link-Up), and Mary Geison (#tellhisstory).
This post was featured at Embracing the Unexpected:
- How Knowing Your Husband Can Impact Him for Good - March 24, 2022
- How to Stop Focusing on What’s Wrong with You - March 9, 2022
- Is God Really Good All the Time? - February 24, 2022
So much encouragement and wisdom here, Theresa. Sharing on Twitter, friend.
Thanks friend!
Such a good post, Theresa! We women do carry more than our share of shame. As parents (and grandparents) we need to remember that the words we speak can have lasting effects. Thanks for the reminder that God does want us to be shame-free.
Yes. Our words can carry shame, especially when we don’t correct them when we use them hastily or in anger or frustration. We remember heated words more than we do calm words. And then if we are told something over and over, we tend to believe it as children. But we can correct those lies we are carrying from childhood. God’s truth can set us free. Blessings.
What a horrible mother were my first words after reading her response to Lisa. Lisa didn’t fail. Her mother failed her and made more work for herself by not appreciating Lisa’s efforts to dress herself and do a great job of it. What I got from this post has nothing to do with shame. Instead what I got was the power of words. Our words can uplift or tear down. That old saying, sticks, and stones may break my bones but words won’t hurt me is a lie from the pit of hell. Words matter. Good or bad, we remember them long after they’re said. Shame on Lisa’s mother for being so cruel to her daughter.
Yes, shame on Lisa’s mother. Lisa did nothing wrong. But Lisa went away thinking it was her. This is how shame lies to us. Shame wants us to think it is our fault and we are the one that has something to hide. When often it is on the other person.
Our words can hurt and tear down. And those words did hurt Lisa. And yes, that saying about sticks and stones has it all wrong.
Hi Theresa,
My heart literally hurt for little LIsa and I saw myself in her story. These are powerful words so many women need to read.
Peace and grace,
Tammy
Yes, Tammy. Lisa is so many of us. Maybe it wasn’t our mother, maybe it was a friend, a boy, a family member, a teacher, who said something similar, but most of us have had someone say something that knocked us down and caused us to doubt ourselves and hide parts of our self in shame. Lisa in this story is real, only I didn’t use her real name. But she told me her story, it stuck with me. And caused my heart to ache.
Hi Theresa, Great post. There are often those words in our heads spoken by our mothers or someone else we looked up to in life. This is a great reminder that we can break those lies with the truth of God’s word. Visiting from Grace and truth link-up. Have a blessed weekend
God bless
Tracy
Hi Tracy! You are so right. These words are often spoken into our lives, and often when we were younger and didn’t have the tools or knowledge with how to deal with them. And then we carry them for years. But we can break the lies of shame with God’s truth. Blessings on you weekend and ministry.
Theresa,
I love the way you wrote this and didn’t blame the momma. Yes, we carry words spoken with us, refusing to let go. We allow shame to enter in, but we are responsible for keeping that flame going. I see I have some work to do on shame. For the word spoken to me and those, I have said, which created shame in another.
I am so glad you shared this with Grace & Truth.
Maree
I love your honesty, Maree. Writing these posts has shown me I too have work. I am carrying more lies born of shame than I thought.
This really resonated with me. I struggle with shame myself. Words hurt, sensitive people, like myself and little Lisa don’t forget them. Thank you for sharing.
xoxo~Dawn
It is hard to forget words that we believe and that cause us shame. Dawn, thanks for sharing.
“Book smart and brain dead! You have no common sense!” is what I heard when I made mistakes. Decades later, I could still hear her when I messed up. And it’s one of the first thoughts I had last fall when I was diagnosed with cognitive and memory damage from disease. “Now it really is true” I thought. The nightmares don’t stop and my husband is urging me to get help. Thanks again for your encouragement, Theresa. You are taking me on a journey that I truly need right now. I will anxiously wait for your next post.
Oh Valarie, I am so sorry. Often it is those early voices from childhood that stay with us and become the lies we believe. Making mistake is part of life and learning, not a reason to shame people. I want you to remember that what you heard is just their opinion, not God’s. He loves you and considers you precious no matter your diagnosis. He even knew about your diagnosis before you did. He never discards us when we are no longer as perfect as we think we should be. In fact our imperfection makes us more precious to him. Please know that getting help (learning tips to navigate life’s new obstacles) may very well make you feel more in control of your diagnosis. I know that at times I have resisted getting help, and was always glad when I did. Blessings sweet Valarie.
My mother never spoke words like that to me, or my sister. We were blessed to be raised in a home where we were constantly reminded that we could do or be anything we put our minds to. I even remember one time when I was sitting in a parent/teacher conference with my mom (my mom hated these conferences) and the teacher said I was stubborn. LOL (I was) I was a terror in school, especially grammar school. This was circa 1969 and I was in the first grade and the teacher told my mother I was stubborn. My mother told that teacher that stubborn was good when you got it headed in the right direction! ha ha ha ha ha She was right. She finally did get it headed in the right direction, after years and years of prayer! Thanks for these lovely reminders, Theresa!
Thank you for linking up at InstaEncouragements!
Patsy, thanks for sharing your story. You had a very wise momma. Most personality traits can be blessings if we use them correctly. Keep using that stubbornness for good things.
Theresa,
Oh, the mom guilt. We, women, are so hard on ourselves. No matter which side of the coin turns up, we feel shame. I read once that children are great hearers of words (they hear everything), but they are poor interpreters. So true. Lisa can’t realize that Mom is having a bad morning and she internalizes the shame and guilt. As adults we need the truth to replace those inner lies we’ve believed for so long. Excellent post in shining the light on the lie of shame.
Blessings,
Bev xx
Oh Bev, so true. Children are great hearers, but poor interpreters. And therefore they make the wrong assumptions. It is easy for them to believe things about themselves that are not true. Like Lisa. The mom guilt. It is so easy to feel, especially when we are being told we are bad moms if we don’t do this or that. Thanks for stopping by.
So much insight here. Shame is so hard and takes a long time to work through. If love how you use your words and stories to help us fight the lies and move out of shame and into freedom!
Thanks, Leslie. Shame does take a long time to work through. But it is well worth it. But like all other lies, they will creep back up sometimes and try and convince us of their truth. And then we have to beat them back down.
Theresa, wow. You shared so much insight and wisdom in this post. I really like how you highlighted the idea of talking with a trusted someone about our struggles with shame. Sometimes, we need to see the shame-invoking event through someone else’s eyes to gain an accurate perspective. GREAT post!
Yes, another perspective can help us heal from the shame and see it for what it was. Especially when the event happened in our formative years and we didn’t have the perspective of age or experience back then, or the tools we do now to deal with the feelings and the situation that caused the shame.
Isn’t it odd how the words that shame one will roll off the back of another? It makes me want to always speak with kindness and care and check for understanding!
Yes, it is interesting, Anita. What shames one person does not another. We all have our pain points and they are different. As well as our sensitivity levels and tools to deal with sticky relationships. I guess this gives us variety.
Theresa,
I am choosing your post to feature tomorrow on Grace & Truth. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
Maree
Thanks, Maree. I am honored to be chosen. Blessing to your ministry.
I’m visited from Maree’s. This makes me wonder how often I was short with my children in some unthinking way. I pray God ministers to them and brings them ti truth (and forgiveness). Thank God for His grace.
I know there were times I internalized wrong, thoughtless words of others, too. May God help each of us to see ourselves in His eyes and truth.
Barbara, we can cause shame unknowingly. Especially because it forms based on the interpretation of the other person. But we must forgive ourselves, show grace, and help others see the lies they are believing. God always provides help. Yes, may God help us see the ourselves in his truth and eye.
This is so powerful! Lisa’s story is a sad one, but many of us as women relate because we DO internalize hurtful words spoken to us and believe the lies of the enemy. I love in Christine Caine’s book, “Unashamed,” she says people say, “Shame on you!’ But Christ says, “Shame off you!” He took all our sins, guilt and any shame we feel on himself on the cross.
So thankful, Karen, that Christ doesn’t leave us to carry our shame, but takes it from us. Love the saying, “Shame off you.”
What a great way to remind us not to carry our shame.
My heart felt crushed for Lis— and for her mom. She didn’t want to be embarrassed or shamed by having her daughter show up and reflect negatively on her. It takes the security of knowing who we are in Christ to live free. Great post, Theresa!
Hi Debbie! Yes, her mom was thinking people would judge her for her daughter’s dress. She didn’t want to be shamed herself. We spend energy in trying not to be shamed by others. When we need to remember who we are in Christ and whose we are.