Everything You Need to Know About Shame: Including How to Heal From It

The fear that we are not good enough. We often feel unworthy of love, to dirty for people to want to be around, not deserving, and not good enough too belong.

Shame tells us to hide (it isolates us) and that we are not worthy of love and connection. That we are bad people.

Go deeper, see You Are Not Meant To Live in Shame, post 1 and There Is No Shame In Feeling Shame, post 2.

Shame is a liar. It never tells the truth. And then these lies pop up in our soul and become a part of us and our identity and we carry them around for years, until we address them.

Some common lies that shame weaves into our identity: >You are not good enough. >You don’t deserve more. >You don’t have a seat here. Something is wrong with you and it is your fault. > You are the problem. >You deserve to be treated that way. > Asking for what you want is selfish. > Why do you even try? >You’re worthless. > The truth will leave you friendless. > You are a bad person.  > You are defective. Unlovable. > It tells us there is no cure. To try harder. Hide more. >Be something different. Wear masks. Keep secrets.

Shame has no love or grace. It doesn’t allow us to change or grow or overcome our past. It tears us down. It doesn’t present a solution. It convinces us to believe lies about our self.

Go deeper, read There is No Shame in Feeling Shame, post 2 and Shame: Recognize It, Heal From It, Walk in Freedom, post 10.

The voice of shame is always accusatory, judgmental, and critical. It is never kind and encouraging, but instead condemning. It loves to be right and point out HOW and WHY we are wrong. Sometimes you hear its voice, sometimes you just feel beaten down with no hope or breathing room.

Go deeper, read The Symptoms of Shame and the 4 Ways It Makes You Feel, post 5,  and Shame: Recognize It, Heal From It, Walk in Freedom, post 10. Take the shame quiz and see how shame might affect you.

Our past: Lack of education. Meager childhood. Abuse. Being bullied. Absent parent. Abortion. Divorce. Poor mistakes in Life. Sin.

Our personality and who we are: Being to sensitive. To tall. To short. To Loud. A daydreamer. An introvert. Outspoken. Our gender. Ethnicity.

Our lack and limitations: Lack of money. Health problems. No kids. Dyslexia. Labels and diagnosis. Addictions. Mental capacity.

Society expectations and peer pressure: Mother shame. Body shame. Not fitting in. Being left out. Not being able to do it all or meet expectations of those who matter to us. Needing help. Lack of acceptance.

Having more than others: Having a job. Opportunities. Kids. A nice house. Having privileges.

Spiritual life: Lacking in spiritual maturity. Not giving enough. Inconsistent with prayer. God not answering our prayers. Not fitting the Christian mold.

Go deeper, read Shame: Recognize It, Heal From It, Walk in Freedom, post 10.

All of us. If we are human, we have experienced shame.

Please know, there is no shame in feeling shame. It is a natural human emotion, like happiness or fear. The emotion of shame is not bad, even if it feels icky, like fear does. The emotion is neither good nor bad. It is just trying to communicate something to us.

If we don’t address our feelings, though, then we carry that shame and think we are the defective ones. And that shame erodes our identity.  We begin to believe the lies that shame tells us and these lies affect us, our choices, and life until we address them and replace them with the truth.

Go deeper, see There is No Shame in Feeling Shame, post 2;  How the Lies of Shame Cause Us To Think We Are the Defective Ones, post 3; Environments Where Shame Thrives, post 4.

Shame develops when we misinterpret events, words, or actions that were done towards us (but were out of our control). Instead of realizing the truth (often because we are to young and don’t have the life knowledge or skills) to see the situation correctly, we mistakenly think it is our fault and we are to blame.

The problem is that most of us were not taught as children how to deal with shame. So we internalize it. Think it is us. Believe the lies that shame whispers about it being our fault and that we deserved it. And as adults continue to believe these same lies.

Go deeper, read How the Lies of Shame Cause Us to Think We Are the Defective Ones, post 3.

Not usually. Most of us have trigger points that bring up shame from the past and both similar and different things can cause shame in the present.

Just like we don’t have the same personality, self-expectations, strengths and weaknesses, or experiences, different things cause us shame.

While shame is universal, and we have all felt it, we feel shame about different things. What may bring mild embarrassment to one person, may bring intense feelings of shame to another. None of us like being teased about our body shape, but not all of us will feel shame when someone talks negatively about our body shape.

New experiences and environments tend to cause us more shame as we are learning, don’t know all the rules, are afraid to ask for help, and don’t want to appear incompetent.

Go deeper, read Why We Use Shame on Others and Ourselves: 6 Eye Opening Reasons, post 9 and Shame: Recognize It, Heal From It, Walk In Freedom, post 10. Also take the Shame Quiz to see how shame manifests for you.

No. We often feel shame for something that was done to us and for something that was out of our control. Shame occurs when we misinterpret the events or words or experience. We tie what happened to our identity and believe the lies that shame tells us about our identity.

A simple example is a young child feeling shame for her parent’s divorce, thinking that because of her actions or words her parent’s marriage failed. The truth is the parents choose to divorce.

Or a child who is bullied by her teachers thinking she deserved it because if only she had acted differently or wasn’t so  “different” (or fill in your own word) she would not have been treated that way. The truth is the teacher choose to bully the child and blame them for their actions.

Shame consistently makes us think it was our fault, when it actually wasn’t or isn’t.

Go deeper, read How the Lies of Shame Cause Us to Think We Are the Defective Ones, post 3, and 12 Ways that Misinterpreting Events Causes Shame, post 6.

We can’t. Feeling shame is not the problem. It’s what we do with the shame and how we handle the shame that causes the problems. It is also all the pains we take to avoid feeling shame at all costs that can create problems.

If we deal with the emotion of shame right away, we can eliminate it. Poof, it’s gone. And we are free.

Go deeper, see Environments Where Shame Thrives, post 4; Shame: Recognize It, Heal From It, Walk in Freedom, post 10; and a PDF Freebie What to Do When You Are Feeling Shame: A Guided Exercise

Here are a few:

1. Secrecy. When we keep secrets about ourselves, others, our past, and our family, shame often develops. Shame thrives in secrecy and grows when we don’t talk about it.

2. Conditional love. It is controlling and gives the message that you are NOT worthy; you are loved only for what you do; and if you disappoint or something bad happens, it’s your fault, try harder.

3. Focusing on the past. Bringing up the past again and again. This keeps us caught and seen in our past mistakes.

4. Judgement and criticalness. Growth is stifled and we rarely feel good enough.

5. Rejection. When our emotions and feelings are discounted, opinions ignored, and our actions criticized we learn not to trust ourselves.

6. Labeling the person as bad. Instead of a specific action, behavior, or thing as bad.

7. Cruel and hurtful words. Harsh words that blame, cut, wound, and are untrue can make us think something is wrong with us.

8. Trauma and abuse. Bullying and ridicule. Neglect and ignoring.

9. Acute self-awareness. 

10. Blame and shame.

11. High expectations; unattainable guidelines; rigid family, group, or religious rules.

Go deeper, read Environments Where Shame Thrives, post 4.

We misinterpret the words or actions of what we experience or what happens to us.

Shame develops because of the way we look at ourselves and the situation.

Shame has nothing to do with what we do, it is out of our control and it develops from what is done to us. We feel shame when something out of our choosing is done to us (we don’t initiate it).

Shame is often not our fault. But we misinterpret the shameful feelings and the event or words as something is wrong with us and we are defective. It is how we choose to react and process the events or words that creates the shame. Many of us, though, grew up in shameful environments.

Go deeper, see Environments Where Shame Thrives, post 4; How the Lies of Shame Cause Us to Think We Are the Defective Ones, post 3;  and There is No Shame in Feeling Shame, post  2.

Often is follows us all day as a quiet nagging voice. It tells us we look horrible when we wake up and look in the mirror. It reminds us we still haven’t lost that extra weight as we get ready in the morning. It whispers that we are a bad mother when we yell at the kids at the breakfast table. It tells us we will never get the job we want in the office meeting. And when our husband asks if we washed his workout clothes so he can go jogging, it reminds us we are a failure. It is often a nagging judgmental, accusing, and critical voice that steals our joy and reminds us how we are failing. It is a voice that tells us we are not enough and makes everything our responsibility and our fault. After dinner we ask our children to pick up their toys. Feeling like a failure ourselves, and not wanting them to end up with our faults, we turn this critical voice on them and manage to shame them for not being proficient at picking up their toys.

Shame does not tell us the truth. It does not portray reality.  Instead, shame lies to us and makes us feel bad. The emotion or feeling of shame, that we all feel when embarrassed, humiliated, mortified, and disgraced, is a perfectly normal emotion to feel (like fear, anger, or joy). And there is no shame in feeling the emotions of shame. It is neither a good or bad emotion. It is just trying to tell us something. If we deal with the emotion, we can dissipate it and release it. If we don’t, it can grow and become a shameful secret we carry around for years, trying to hide it from others. The choice is ours. But please know there is no shame in feeling the emotions of shame.

Go deeper, read There is No Shame in Feeling Shame, post 2 and How the Lies of Shame Cause Us to Think We Are the Defective Ones, post 3.

Most definitely not. We are unique individuals and view life differently. We have different upbringings and experiences.

Many things can shame us. But what shames one person may not shame another person. It all depends on how we view the event or situation and if we believe the lies that may develop as a result of these things.

It attacks our identity. Our core: WHO we are (not what we do). It tells us something is wrong with us and it is our fault.

It lies and says we are defective. That if others knew the truth about us, they would not want to be our friend.

Shame isolates us and makes us feel unworthy. It tells us that we are inadequate. Not good enough. And to hide our shameful parts if we want to be loved.

Go deeper, see How the Lies of Shame Cause Us to Think We Are the Defective Ones, post 3; The Symptoms of Shame and the 4 Ways It Makes You Feel, post 5; and Shame: Recognize It, Heal From It, and Walk In Freedom, post 10.

Silence, not saying what we want or need. >Hiding our true identity/self from others so we are liked. >Not sharing parts of you, or keeping deep dark secrets from those closest to you. >Not being vulnerable. >Giving up your needs for the needs of others. >Not saying what’s on your mind if it doesn’t fit in with what others believe. >Thinking something is wrong with you if you do something wrong. >Feeling defective. >Finding worth in what you do, or accomplish, not who you are. >Taking great pains to not experience more shame. >Comparing yourself and finding yourself lacking more often than not. >Pleasing others to your detriment. >Feel selfish asking for things, help, or needs. >Feel an event, such as abuse, sexual abuse, upbringing, family problems, health diagnosis, made your defective and or un-loveable. >You engage in self-sabotage. >Engaging in addictive tendencies to numb shame. >Negative self-talk to yourself. >Use shame to motivate yourself. >Use anger and defensiveness as a coping mechanism. >Perfectionism. >Never feeling good enough. >Low self-esteem. >Negative feelings about yourself. And more . . . .  

The truth is, we are all affected by shame unless we have done work to heal our shame. Take the shame quiz and find out how shame affects you.

Go deeper, read The Symptoms of Shame and the 4 Ways It Makes You Feel, post 5 and hop over and take the Shame Quiz.

Shame is a most uncomfortable feeling we try to avoid.

Shame can come and go and be triggered by certain events or words.

Shame makes us feel worthless, disgraced, and unworthy. We want to hide, we often blame our self and engage in negative self-talk, we may react in anger, or seek relief in addiction.

Go deeper, read There is No Shame in Feeling Shame, post 2; The Symptoms of Shame and the 4 Ways It Makes You Feel, post 5; and Why We Use Shame on Others and Ourselves: 6 Eye Opening Reasons, post 9.

So many things can shame us. We don’t live up to our own expectations. The expectations of others.

Others perceive us differently than we want to be viewed.

We can be shamed by actions. Words. And by things done to us and not done to us.

Current events or words can trigger past shame.

Go deeper, read Shame: Recognize It, Heal From It, Walk in Freedom, post 10.

It means you are perfectly normal. Shame DOES NOT make you a bad person. It makes you human.

When you feel shame is means you have believed some of the lies that shame has told you. That you have misinterpreted words and actions and consider yourself defective in some way.

You had no choice in what was done to you; it is often not your fault. The good news is you can heal from shame and walk in freedom.

Go deeper, and read How the Lies of Shame Cause Us to Think We Are the Defective Ones, post 3 and 12 Ways that Misinterpreting Events Causes Shame, post 6.

Shame says, “You are a bad person.” Guilt says, “You did something bad.”

Shame has us feel bad about WHO we are. Guilt has us feel bad about our actions.

Shame attacks our identity. Who we are. Our whole being. Something we have no control over.

Guilt focuses on our action. What we did. Something we have control over.

To overcome guilt, we confess or apologize and make amends.

To overcome shame, receive empathy and know the truth.

Guilt is constructive and can lead to us making good changes.

Shame is destructive and leads to feeling unworthy of love, flawed, not belonging, and unworthy of connection with others.

Go deeper, read Shame Versus Guilt: What’s the Big Difference?, post 7.

Shame versus quilt quiz to take:

Shame often causes our identity to shrink to nothing. It can be hard to be vulnerable, be our true self and not pretend to be someone else or hide parts of our true self.

We often view ourselves as seriously flawed. Unworthy.

We may doubt ourselves. Our abilities. Even the core of who we are.

It causes us to hide parts of ourselves. We don’t want anyone to know our secrets. We fear people would run from us or withdraw their love if they only knew the truth about us.

We feel we need to prove our worth.

We often dislike our self, engage in negative self-talk, and beat our self up.

Go deeper, read You Are Not Meant to Live in Shame, post ; How the Lies of Shame Cause Us to Think We Are the Defective Ones, post 3; The Symptoms of Shame and the 4 Ways It Makes You Feel, post 5;  and Combat Shame by Knowing Your True Identity, post 8.

Shame lies to us about our identity 1. what we think of our self and 2. how we view our self. It makes us want to hide who we are. It takes away our voice.  Be someone else. Not try, take chances, or try new things. It keeps us second guessing our self. We usually engage in negative self-talk. We often spend a lot of energy trying to not be shamed again by someone and proving our worth to others and our self.

We may think we are driven by fear or worry or anger, but if we glance behind those fears, worries, and anger, we may find shame fueling these emotions. We may be afraid of making mistakes or doing the wrong thing because as a child we were shamed for not doing what adults expected of us. And now we are just protecting our self by not stepping out to do that new thing. We may say we are afraid, but often behind that fear is past experiences where we experienced shame.

Dealing with shame and getting free of shame will help us be braver, stronger, less worried people.

Go deeper, read Shame: Recognize It, Heal from It, Walk in Freedom, post 10.

Right now.  Discover how shame works, what it looks and feels like, and how it affects you. Learn your true identity and replace the lies of shame for the truth. Start kicking shame to the curb. Empathy and truth crush shame’s hold on us.

For more tips and ways to fight shame read Combat Shame by Knowing Your True Identity, post 8, and Shame: Recognize It, Heal From It, Walk in Freedom, post 10.  Also get the freebie:  “What to Do When You Are Feeling Shame: A Guided Exercise.”

Realize you are an injured person (who needs healing), not a person who just need to try harder and do better, or a person for who there is no hope (what shame tells you).  Learn about shame — how it works and how to identify it.

Know your identity and combat the lies of shame with the truth. Learn your story and how shame impacts it. Quit believing that untrue story and instead rewrite and believe the true story.

Practice vulnerability and being in relationships with empathy. Let yourself be known and seem. Being known and seen break shame’s bonds.

Have grace, kindness, and compassion with yourself. Don’t blame yourself for believing the lies that shame told you. Let yourself be human.

Go deeper, read Combat Shame by Knowing Your True Identity, post 8; Why We Use Shame on Others and Ourselves: 6 Eye Opening Reasons, 9; and Shame: Recognize It, Heal from It, Walk in Freedom, post 10.

Want more tips? Get the freebie and learn specific tips on how to heal from shame and respond to shame in the future.

He wants us to walk in freedom from shame. In hope and love. To not hide our true self. To be in community with others. To experience love, grace, hope, and peace. He is the opposite of shame and never deals with us in shame.

Unconditional love is the opposite of shame.

Go deeper, read You Are Not Meant to Live in Shame, post 1 and Shame: Recognize It, Heal From It, Walk in Freedom, post 10. Also post 12, Spiritual Shame” What Is It and How to Conquer It.

Shame is a tool our enemy uses against us, and we use against each other (and on ourselves, because many of us shame ourselves). When we feel trapped in shame, worthless, and wanting to hide, shame wins.

Our enemy wants us to feel shame in such proportions that we feel there is no use, we feel hopeless, discouraged, debilitated, and a victim.  Because then we feel like an outcast from others and God. We feel unlovable. The more we feel these things, the probability is we will self-medicate with unhealthy behaviors, solutions, and addictions, and then feel even worse.

Shame wants to win at all costs and never has good intentions towards us.

Go deeper, read The symptoms of Shame and the 4 Ways It Makes You Feel, post 5.    .

Unconditional love is the opposite of shame. Shame seeks to condemn us. Love seeks to kindly convict us and helps us change. Shame reminds us of our past, faults, and limitations. Love sees our potential and good. Shame says you are never good enough. Love says you are good enough.  Shame has no grace or forgiveness. Love has grace and forgiveness and knows you can change. Shame makes you a victim. Love says you have choices and can choose. Shame says you will never be good enough. Love says you are human, a work in progress and full of potential. Shame says you are bad, flawed, and need fixing. Love says you are injured and need healing.

Go deeper, read Shame: Recognize It, Heal from It, Walk in Freedom, post 10.

Empathy is seeing something from the other person’s perspective without judgement. It is feeling what the person is feeling. It helps us be seen and understood.

Empathy works because you are putting yourself in the other person’s shoes and seeing it from their viewpoint, without judgement. Noticing their emotions and feeling with people. By asking questions and listening to the person, often we can give new insight and a new perspective to the event/words/situation. One the shamed person has probably never thought of. One that is more accurate than the lie or story the shamed person believed.

Empathy heals shame by saying: You didn’t deserve to be treated that way, no one does (that was wrong, dysfunctional, hurtful). I am sorry that you were treated that way.

Empathy and talking about the shameful experience helps the person see the incident in a new and different way. It expands their mind and helps them see new truth. Ultimately it topples lies and lets truth in.

Short Video on empathy by Brene Brown.

Article on empathy, what it is and why it matters.

Shame can teach us many lessons if we listen. It can help us not shame others. It can help us stop believing untruths about our self, quit blaming our self, and playing the victim role. It can help us be more compassionate and have empathy for ourselves and others.  It can help us ground our identity in truth.

Shame is a curse that can be a blessing in disguise if we use it as a learning tool.

Go deeper, read What if Shame Has a Bigger Purpose Than Us?, post 11.

You will better love yourself (and others). Have higher self-esteem. Be kinder to yourself and others. Spend less time hiding your true self. Live with less fear, worry, trying to please others, and live up to the expectations of others. You will believe the truth about yourself, and not lies. You will have more empathy for yourself and others. You will see yourself more accurately, the good and bad parts, and still love yourself and enjoy yourself.

It does not mean we will never feel the emotions of shame again, but we will have the tools to deal with these emotions and painful experiences that are causing us  shame and ultimately shame will not be able to grow and bury itself within us.

Go deeper, read You Are Not Meant to Live in Shame, post 1 and Shame: Recognize It, Heal From It, Walk in Freedom, post 10.

Ignoring something never makes it go away. It just keeps lurking in the background. To heal, we must address it.

Unless we address our past shame, present situations will trigger our past shame.

Remember, we are not defective people, we are injured people. Injured people seek healing. We need healing, and our hurts from shame will dissipate. Just like we can be stronger after a broken bone is set and heals, healing from shame will make us kinder, more loving, braver, and stronger people.

Go deeper, read Shame: Recognize It, Heal from It, Walk in Freedom, post 1, Shame: Recognize It, Heal From It, and Walk in Freedom, post10 and get the freebie “What to Do When You Are Feeling Shame: A Guided Exercise.” To help identify some of the lies about your identity and worth that you believe, take the shame assessment.

Yes, if your goal is to silence someone, shut them down, or bully someone, then it works. But shaming another person is never acting in love or kindness, or wanting the best for the person. It never motivates change within a person for the right reason. And it leaves scars.

Often the goal of shaming another person is to make that person feel inadequate and ashamed. To humiliate them and put them in their place (which it does).

Shame reveals more about the person who is shaming, than it does the other person.

Go deeper, read Why We Use Shame on Others and Ourselves: 6 Eye Opening Reasons, post 9.

Educate ourselves about shame.  Teach them strategies and tips for how to deal with and react to shame. Talk about shame. And deal with our own shame.

Go deeper, read Shame: Recognize It, Heal From It, Walk In Freedom, post 10, and the freebie, “What to Do When You Are Feeling Shame: A Guided Exercise.”