Telling someone “we are sorry,” doesn’t right a wrong nor does it change the circumstances. But it is sometimes one of the greatest gifts we can give another.
“You’ll never be a good mother. You are to selfish,” my friend said. Using a slightly different voice. Her I am trying-to-imitate-my-mother-voice.
I was shocked. “She said that to you?”
“Many times,” she said, shaking her head at the memory.
I was speechless. Before me stood a good mother. A kind and considerate and most precious mother.
How could a mother say this repeatedly to her teen daughter? How could she predict her future in such an unkind way? What hurt those words must inflicted.
I know how those words would have wounded my fragile, wanting to please my mother, teen heart, had my mother said them to me. I also know that those words would probably resurface years later when I doubted my abilities as a mom.
I wanted to heal my friend. Take away her hurt. Stitch up her heart scars caused years ago by her mother’s callous words.
But I couldn’t.
All I could offer were words back in exchange for her gift of sharing her hurt. Words, and a hug.
“I am so sorry,” I said, squeezing her hands and looking into her eyes, “So sorry your mother said those hurtful and untrue words to you. No one deserves that kind of judgement. No one should be spoken to that way.”
The gift of words.
Words may seem small. But the gift they give can be big.
We all want to be seen. Heard. Acknowledged.
When our words acknowledge someone’s hurt, it lets them know they have been heard. It reminds them they did not deserve that treatment. healing for the person can begin to occur. Shame can be released.
It’s a gift we want to be given. And one we can give.
Words have power.
They can build up or wound.
They can create or destroy.
They can enslave or release.
They can calm or excite.
Words are one of the most powerful gifts we can give to those hurting.
How words can be the greatest gift.
When we tell someone “we are sorry,” it doesn’t right a wrong. It often doesn’t change a circumstance. But it does mean everything.
It means we recognize their pain. That we can share or identify with their pain. That we acknowledge their pain.
And when we do this, something profound can happen.
For both them and our relationship.
When I tell my child that I am sorry they are having a bad day, I am acknowledging him, his feelings, his circumstances. I am saying, I see you.
When I tell a friend, I am sorry for their loss, I am acknowledging their pain, the importance of the person they lost, the disruption their absence has caused. I am saying, I see you and your new reality filled with pain.
No, I did not cause my child’s bad day. Nor the death of my friend’s relative, but that doesn’t mean I am not sorry for what happened to them. Sorry that they are having to walk through this difficult time.
Accepting the gift of words.
Sometimes it is easier to comfort others and say, “I’m sorry,” than to hear “I am sorry.”
But if we are to heal the hurts in our own heart, dissolve the anger within our own veins, and stitch up our own bitterness, we need to accept these same words with open hands.
I remember my dad saying this to me sometimes, when I would be telling him a story laced with hurt.
“Theresa, I’m sorry you had to experience that.”
There were times I pushed the gift aside, made light of it.
“Oh, that’s okay.”
I didn’t stop to examine his gift. Or even acknowledge his gift.
I was probably embarrassed. He didn’t cause the hurt in my story. He was just a listening bystander to my story.
But, gradually I learned all I needed to do was say, “Thank you, dad.” Or, “Thanks for understanding.”
And his gift would begin to work. Slowly healing my heart.
Be generous with “I’m sorry.”
“I am sorry” cannot heal the person wholly, but it can begin the process of healing. These words can help the person see that they are not to blame. That they did not deserve what happened.
“I am sorry” lets them know they were heard.
It acknowledges them and that they matter.
It can help them see the situation differently.
And it can be the springboard for a more in-depth conversation. One where we ask them a question. Such as. “Tell me about it.” Or “How did that make you feel?”
Give the gift of empathy. Of “I’m sorry . . .” to others. And to yourself.
And you’ll be giving one of the best gifts you can give.
Thanks for stopping by. Keep remembering what’s important.
Theresa
Join the Discussion: How has “I’m sorry” helped comfort or heal you?
May link up at Kelly Balarie (#purposeful faitht), Crystal Storms (#HeartEncouragement), Maree Dee (#Grace & Truth), Anita Ojeda (#inspirememonday), and Mary Geison (#tellhisstory).
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I loved this post, Theresa! Words do matter. I can’t imagine a mother saying such unkind and untrue words to a daughter. The problem with this type of unkind lie is that it teaches the receiver to lie to themself. It perpetuates the lie. We wind up lying to ourselves, saying that we are unworthy, inept, not enough. Thank you for this good reminder to give empathy to our friends and family. It is much needed!
Lourie, you are so right that words said to us by others, especially when younger, often get adopted as our truth, and like you said, we then tell these lies to our self. It is so sad. Others need our empathy.
This is a great post! Words have so much power and it is important to be intentional about how we can use them for good. I agree that it makes a big difference just to let people know we care and we understand. And “I’m sorry” is powerful! I remember as a child when a lady in my church said sorry to me after she had shouted at me for something that I had nothing to do with. It was the first time I remember an adult apologising to me and it made a big impact that she was willing to admit she had been wrong.
Love your story, Leslie. I can see that making a big impact on a child.
Words sting, and they can also heal. I’m working hard to guard the words that come to the surface with my kids, and I wish I could go back with an eraser to the past. So grateful for grace that mends and atones.
An eraser would be so handy. Love that image. Instead God gives us grace that “mends and atones” both our own words and the words of others.
Theresa,
So true that by simply saying, “I’m sorry,” can give the invaluable gift of letting someone know they were heard and that their feelings matter. Too often we think we need to be this great wordsmiths when really we just need to offer an empathetic ear.
Blessings,
Bev xx
Oh Bev, you said it so well.
This is just beautiful, Theresa! As the mother of three little ones who sometimes stretch me in ways I don’t really want to be stretched, I needed this reminder today. There is such power in our words, and I want to be a woman who speaks life over everyone around me – regardless of my own personal struggles and moods!
Yes Stacey. We want to speak life to those around us. Being a mother is hard work and has many challenges, but taking our frustrations and anger on others harms them and our relationship with them. Blessings on being a mother who recognizes the importance of life giving words.
My heart broke for your friend. I can’t imagine my mother saying that to me. Love your reminder today that we can speak life into a dark situation by caring enough to say ‘I’m sorry.’
My heart broke for my friend too. I’ve heard that we remember negative words said to us longer and they carry a bigger impact than neutral words, or even most positive words.
Theresa, words do make an impact, don’t they? We need to use them wisely. I really like what you said about how much “I’m sorry,” can minister to a person.
I’m truly sorry your friend heard those cruel words . . . from her mom, no less. As parents, we really have to guard our words . . . they have the power to shape our children for the better or for ill.
Thanks for sharing your wisdom.
Jeanne, you are so right. Our words can shape our children. Let’s use them wisely.
sometimes a hug says it all, doesn’t it … the carefully chosen words are icing on the cake.
thanks for this helpful encouragement to love well, Theresa …
So true! A hug can say it all.